Weight on shoulders

Ok, now that time is up to a week, I still have "the world" of things that I think would have belonged in the diss. You can't imagine how many little notes and pages full of notes I have, old ideas, new ideas, quotes, etc. Eduardo is right, it might be a temptation to think all of that is important. I know, it helped me get where I am now, and what is important now is to tell the story the way I see it today, even if some of that work does not come up. But still, I do have to kind of show how I got to my own opinion. I can't just list the things I read at the end, I have to refer to them within the work, right? The point is, it feels like "the world" on my shoulders. Or at least like a heavy cow.
But let's be realistic. What we have is what we have, this is the situation. It is one week before the deadline. I'll have to do some faking again, for the bibliography!
I will finish the fifth chapter tonight, whatever happens. Tomorrow: finish the fourth one and review the introduction. I have about half of the conclusions, and as I re-read the chapters for correction I will sum them up to complete the conclusions.
Well, anyways. A lot to do, but it's worth it, right? Just one more week and then....!GO Cow GO, you can make it, RUN!

Wonder Woman

Dear Juni,
You are right, I am a super hero!!! only today I was asking Buchheim about the German grading system (it's really strange: the highest note is 1, but they also have notes that are "0,5"...) He explained that those 0,5 or the like mean that you have done so well that it is beyond the normal scala. In other words, you have broken the scale! And I said: well, that's what my dissertation is going to be too! It's going to be AMAZING, you have no idea how great it's coming along. It is really great. Everything is coming into place and I will still be able to write the most important things down.

Wonder Marce against the Powers of Doom!

two weeks from today

I'm sorry to be always counting backwards. Since I already went through 5-3-1 day to go, this must sound repetitive and two weeks like a very long time. But it's not when it is the very last chance to say what you were trying to say all this time, and still haven't made up your mind on all points. Last chance to show that you were thinking about these questions for years... I don't know, I'm still a bit blocked by that perspective. I was able to ignore the fear by thinking that the version for Pamplona was not the last word, and I could still change things, so "just write". Now there's a kind of vertigo which I try to ignore but it makes me do everything but write... read, correct, organize the printing of the thesis... Then I was talking to another PhD student yesterday and stupidly I got thinking about the note, which is sad because I didn't use to care, really, I just wanted to finish. And now, suddenly, it seems important to get a good note. I think it's just more vertigo.
I guess I'm going to tell myself that it is NOT the last word, that I can change things and do things better before the publication. And it probably IS already good enough, I cannot see it at the moment, but it probably is. I'll just do the five things that I really want to do before turning it in, and everything else is in God's hands. The note, and the impression it makes on the professors, whether they hate it or not, and how that affects my future, and what that future is... all of that is not in my hands, right? So here I let it go... at least I'm trying to.
Please send me some confidence-and-trust-waves...

1 day gone with the wind

Hi.
I'm feeling really bad. After writing you that list of all that I still have to do, I thought I would wake up today in a hurry, but the day is gone and somehow I haven't really done much. I'm feeling very bad about myself.
Also, my bike got stolen, right in front of the university. My beautiful loyal bike! Gone. I am so angry about that!


With the dissertation I am overwhelmed by all that I would like to do at the same time, and I end up doing nothing. I have to go step by step and do the most effective work first. Right? According to the list. Not try to do all at once.
What I wanted to say is please don't stop praying for me because you think I'm finished already. I'm not, really.
Thank you. Just for 17 days.

Not over till it's over: 18 days

Hi my friends. I am still very happy that I was able to make that spanish deadline. But it's not over yet, and that's proving hard to accept. I was very happy and relaxed on Monday after having sent the baby to Pamplona. On Tuesday I made phone calls and wrote emails and organized stuff for the defense in September. Today I went to the university, bought some books from the old library (really good bargains! on books that would otherwise be extremely expensive), talked to my tutor... and wrote a little bit... but it's being very hard to get back on the road. My mind is already planning the trip to Pamplona... and I have to tell myself that these days, these few days until the 30th are the last ones: this is it! whatever I have thought and found and read during these years, and does not get on paper until then, is going to be definitely left out. And there is still a lot that I have to get on paper, especially now that I know where the story ends, and more or less how to get there! So it really is worth it! the last effort.
Anyways, I wanted to tell you the steps that I absolutely need to do before handing it in:
-finish writing Chapter V (two days).
-finish writing Chapter IV (one day).
-put in the corrections that I already marked for Chapter I and II.
-reread Chapter III and put in corrections (both of these one day).
-write the review of bibliography for the introduction, which means reading some articles that I still haven't read (four days - read and write right away)
-WRITE THE CONCLUSIONS* (two days)
-write the rest of Chapter I:
-overview of Schelling's book
-write about the edition of his manuscripts and put in a lot of material that I found in the archives: a manuscript, the letter from his son, the notes from his conferences.
-write about the time when he was writing this book, from his Diaries and Letters.
-ask the guy who reads the diaries for information
-write the information I already have (not new one) about Aristotle in XIXth Germany and the five or six people that Schelling quotes.
-review and actualize introduction (1 day)
-review the whole thing again (3 days)
-put in English corrections (1 day)
-format, print, check for typos again (1 day)
As you can see, it's still quite a bit! This last part, Chapter I, is a pity because I have a lot of material, but it's not strictly necessary, so I will leave it for the end. I will probably only have about two days for that... Oh oh... I checked again and I don't have time at all for this Chapter I!! mmmm I'm going to have to hurry up! it's good to realize that.
After being so close to the first deadline (5 days... 3 days... 1 day...) now 18 days felt like all the time in the world. Now I realize it's not much.

Ok, let's do this.


Please keep sending your support-waves my way, although I reached one deadline, the most important work is still to be done! THANKS ;-)

300

I once looked at this map and could not believe that my feet had walked every single step of the way (747 km). Today I printed out what I am sending to Spain, and I felt exactly the same way. Although in my mind I know that the fifth and the first Chapter are not finished, and that important bits are missing from the fourth one, and I do not even know anymore what the second one says, still I was amazed by the 300 pages that came out. How on earth was I able to type so many little signs?! Every single step of the way.
And then, even if I know I have to finish those parts, or otherwise some of it won't make any sense, the 300 pages are very imposing, and I was just in awe. Very happy, because I think the professors will not dare flunk anyone who was able even to type 300 pages... ha ha ha. Seriously, I am really happy and above all not scared anymore that I won't finish, and that makes me feel much more motivated for the three weeks left now than pressure or fear did. This has all been my work, my steps! And I just need to present it in the best possible light now, make the best flowers more visible, and it seems like the unthinkable is now close at hand...
Thank You God!!!!!!! And Thank You for Your Support!!!

4 days

Tired, slowing down... I wish I weren't! I have a lot of good ideas, but somehow the effect of pressure alone is not enough anymore. Should I drink red bull?

Thank you so much for cheering me on!! I'll just keep going, even if the pace is not the best one.

5 days now

I am trying to keep it simple and go directly to what I find interesting, to the things that I have found out (sometimes I don't realize them myself), to what I have thought about for such a long time. Like Beate said, choose the prettiest flowers for the bouquet. That's a good idea and I'm trying to keep it in mind. Five days to go! A lot still to write but I am pretty sure it can be done. It will be done.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

I think I can, I think I can...

Thank you so much all of you for your comments and support! It really helps me.
I'm starting to believe it can be done, turning something in, even if it has some holes and is not yet complete. That alone makes me feel much better, more enthusiastic and positive. Then again, it is really difficult to write something of which I am not so sure, and leave it like that, instead of re-checking the sources... but oh well... that's why I said I would "fake" wisdom.
Thanks to you, I think I can keep up the hope.

You're right, Daniel

Hi! Daniel, thank you for your comment! Your are right, I shouldn't be telling myself I'm mediocre. That was a strong word. But I am trying to see things differently so I can let go of perfectionism. So I was thinking: it is humanly impossible, if it took me circa 3 months to write each chapter, to want to write two chapters in a week. So much is clear. But it's not humanly impossible to "fake" two chapters in a week. That's the way I'm trying to see it. Then I have three more weeks to fill them up into real chapters and correct a lot. That's what I'm telling myself anyway.
Thanks for your support!!
I'll try and come back to base camp really soon. ;-)

Changing my mindset

I am trying to seriously and completely leave behind the image I had of the "perfect dissertation" that has been looming in my mind for years! And which causes me to panic when I see myself in the always-imagined-situation of "the end" of that also imagined "perfect dissertation". So I am thinking of writing just a paper, just trying to cover as much ground as possible, above all to give it the appearance of a finished, complete and sufficient thing. This is not "that" dissertation!
And I was thinking that I need to be more practical and ruthless ("hacer de tripas corazon") in just leaving things out that I had always planned to include, and really just be a little mediocre... so to speak. No! you see, there it is creeping in again: not just "so to speak", but really dare to be mediocre.
I am hoping for a little of my cultural background from school in Mexico to come to my rescue... just hand something in and fake it a little bit if you have to.

10 days left

Struggling, tired, wind, ice, almost there, but no strength left...
nevertheless there is a ROPE. I can't fall and die.
To tell you the truth I don't feel that great. My confidence is wobbling. I'm trying to think: just hand anything in on the 9th, and then we'll see about all those things left to check, read, quote, etc. Just give something in on the 9th. But I reread what I have of my fourth chapter yesterday and it is not "final text". Now I'm going to change some paragraphs, put some in a more logical order and try to make the text more readable and clear. Some parts of Schelling's book I'm just going to have to skip. I know that 10 days is still a lot of time! It's not nothing! But I'm starting to panic...

I don't want to exagerate or be melodramatic. But I have been wanting to write here that God is that rope that I have, and if I ever make it out of this mountain alive, it will be thanks to him. Just wanted to say that.

Bye! see you on the top, then we can celebrate.

Rastaschelling

I wasn't able to post the song, so you'll just have to imagine it as you did with Walkyrien.
Ok, I too will have to imagine it.
Thank you, spanish outsideworld... ;-)

The deadly cliffs

Hello, here I am with less than two weeks now. I am trying to follow my Dad's advice to keep focused on the target and not to look at any obstacles or think I'm going to fall down the cliff on both sides of the road... It does feel like I'm going downhill very fast and should not stop to think about falling down. The way I translate this is whenever I think "two weeks" in connection with that platonic idea of a dissertation that I have been carrying around in my head for like 8 years or so (!!!), then I am already falling down a very steep and deadly cliff. I could die! "THAT famous dissertation that has been my "life-goal" for so long".... + "only two weeks"??? are you kidding me?
So I am trying to forget that platonic idea altogether, and see what I am writing now as just another "paper" to finish, with this and that point left to explain and fill in.
As for THAT famous immortal dissertation... maybe I will write it some other time.

Thank you for your support. Your messages are my only connection to the outside world now... ;-)

Y ahora quiero mandar un saludo a mi abuelita... no, a la Nena. Don't look at the cliff! Just reach the bottom of the mountain: hand it in without the mathematical solution! can't you do that?

With eyes closed

Hi!
I realize today that it's been a week since I last wrote. Well, that week has not been so great... and you know, I think it has to do with the weather. Since Thursday it's been cloudy and raining again, and everything seems slower, more difficult... maybe I'm just tired. The thing is, I still want to finish this thing, but it's now only two and a half weeks and the voices in my mind say it's not humanly possible to have it ready. They keep making lists of all that I still have to do and won't have time for, and that doesn't let me concentrate properly.
So see here you voices: I am not listening to you anymore. Say what you want. All those things still left to do I can put in afterwards, in June. Right now it's only about writing, only quotes from Schelling and maybe Buchheim, but really only "Schelling and I". After I hand it in in Pamplona we can see about all the other details, quotes, explanations, etc. Ok? Did I make myself clear?

Yes, my friends, maybe I am becoming a little crazy, but hopefull I can get back to normal after a while...
Now to write with eyes (and ears) closed...

staying alive

Hi! Just signing in to tell you that I live, and am trying very desperately to finish and close the third Chapter. It's stealing time from the others!! but it's almost done and came out pretty well, I think. But I'm really worried about the ones missing. Please send your support... Little more than three weeks now! until the deadline for Pamplona...

much better now

Do you guys know what that man in Pi did not do? He did not go to the gym, at least not as far as we viewers could tell. So that was his mistake! ha ha
Seriously, today I was still very "überdreht", "pasada de rosca", English? And it was not a nice feeling and especially it was not helping me write, so I went to the gym and it was great. Now I'm very relaxed so I feel I can begin again, motivated but relatively calm at the same time. So I guess it's like a pot of boiling soup: take it away from the stove just before it spills over, and then put it on the stove again. And again. At least that's the way I do it.
Well, just wanted to let you know.
Bye!

too much brain activity?

Hi my friends! Things are going good. I am really nervous now and willing to do my best, everything else can wait or go to hell! And the past two days have been really good, I've written some pages and have been working really intensively. It's like my brain is doped! and I read everything fast, am very concentrated, think clearly... but almost too much... I'm kind of hysterical, actually, can only thinkg about the problem I'm writing about, etc. That is all fine, since it's just one month now. However, I have had a headache all day today. It feels like it's really coming from too much brain activity... every bit of info is dancing around in my head and connecting with the other bits in many different patterns... So I think I should try to relax a little bit, because there is a point where I'm too hysterical to be writing the arguments step by step and would like to just do everything simultaneously. That and the headache...
Do you remember the movie Pi? I'm not a mathematical genius trying to think the name of God, but it feels remotely like that...

The Battle of Puebla

How must Ignacio Zaragoza have felt? Well I have no idea at the moment of the circumstances before the battle or whether he was very sure of himself or what the deal was, but there he was against one of the most powerful nations of the time... Was it a miracle that we won?
Anyway. I said that the deadline for the contest was in two months, but actually it's only one... In exactly one month I have to send to Spain at least a decoy of a dissertation. That means it must at least look like it's finished!
I am very motivated and plan to give my very best (and last) effort, but it is quite scary. Like the whole French army coming in my direction...
Oh well, here goes nothing:
"Montjoie! Saint-Denis!!"... (sorry, that was the other side... he he.. what would have been our battlecry?)