Best day of my life (yet)

July 8th, 2008




[This is what I wrote yesterday in semi-zombie state:]
So, the day came. I thought it never would. At the beginning and during a long time, because it was so abstract and far away, "that day when -the unthinkable- I hand in my dissertation"... In the last months I was afraid that a day would never come when the "baby" was decent enough to hand it in. In the last days, I thought the day of LIBERATION and of being able to breathe again would never come. Or better, I thought it would come, but wasn't sure if I would survive to see it, hehehe.
But it came, wow. There are so many thoughts in my head, so many new feelings! everything mixed together with having been awake for 36 hours now... So much to tell, but maybe not today anymore.
I just wanted to tell you that it was a wonderful day, even if nothing much happened "other than handing it in". I didn't run out to do all those things I haven't been able to. But it was sunny and windy, and I sat at a terrace seeing the light turn from gold to pink and the sky go through every shade of deep blue to black.
Wow, the world looks new. Every little detail is so beautiful. Did someone use Vel Rosita?




I kept pinching myself mentally, to see if it was really happening. Actually, I still don't believe it completely.

Maybe I will go to sleep now, and when I wakeup, the dino-schell will still be there! with its 400 pages.



But before doing that, THANK YOU for reading and thinking of me and writing your comments. It helped me so much to know that I wasn't alone and that you were rooting for me.

This has been such an extraordinary time for me! I have learned so much, and I hope to remember it. I'll tell you more in the coming days about those things I learned.

PS. And when I woke up today, the 400 pp. were still there....
Wait, I better go and check.

NEW AND ABSOLUTELY LAST DATE: 08.07.08

THIS TIME IT'S FOR REAL!!!!!! I'M GOING FOR IT!!!!

I've slowed down again!

Just like the last "peak" before handing in in Pamplona, I'm really slow! as if there were lack of oxygen and high altitude, as if I can't feel my legs anymore... as if I had all the time in the world.
It's hard to run now, I don't know why.

Getting Closer

Correction!!!

Hi!
Well after thinking about it and talking to my dear sister, I AM GOING TO HAND IN ON THE 3RD.
NO MORE POSTERGATION (is that a word?)
I want to be finished, and that's that!

Again

Hi!
I talked to my professor again, and got three days more. The thing is, I kept wondering if it would be ok for him and how it would be a great difference for me to have them, and it was getting distracting, so I went and asked. The funny thing was, I almost didn't want to get more time. If I don't have more time, well then, I did what I could and it's done. With more time, I can do more... so it's like you're almost getting to the end of the marathon and then they tell you the finish line has moved further away...
The problem is that the professor was very nice and kind of said I can have more time if I want. I didn't realize the full meaning until I came out of his office, and I thought to myself that I don't want more time! So I'll just finish until Thursday, those three days more, and that's all. But guess what? Psychologically it's really bad not to have a clear finish line, and although I am going to try and hand in on the 3rd (new date), I can already see myself slowing up.
Anyways, I'm not going to think about dates, just go on, keep with my original plan and not bring any more things to do into it, and we'll see. And if it's the third, great, and if it's the fifth, also great. But not much longer than that. I'll go for the third and really hope to make it! In any case the end is very close, and I'm happy about that.
I'm almost there!!

PS. Lesson from yesterday's game: it ain't over till it's over, right?

Weight on shoulders

Ok, now that time is up to a week, I still have "the world" of things that I think would have belonged in the diss. You can't imagine how many little notes and pages full of notes I have, old ideas, new ideas, quotes, etc. Eduardo is right, it might be a temptation to think all of that is important. I know, it helped me get where I am now, and what is important now is to tell the story the way I see it today, even if some of that work does not come up. But still, I do have to kind of show how I got to my own opinion. I can't just list the things I read at the end, I have to refer to them within the work, right? The point is, it feels like "the world" on my shoulders. Or at least like a heavy cow.
But let's be realistic. What we have is what we have, this is the situation. It is one week before the deadline. I'll have to do some faking again, for the bibliography!
I will finish the fifth chapter tonight, whatever happens. Tomorrow: finish the fourth one and review the introduction. I have about half of the conclusions, and as I re-read the chapters for correction I will sum them up to complete the conclusions.
Well, anyways. A lot to do, but it's worth it, right? Just one more week and then....!GO Cow GO, you can make it, RUN!

Wonder Woman

Dear Juni,
You are right, I am a super hero!!! only today I was asking Buchheim about the German grading system (it's really strange: the highest note is 1, but they also have notes that are "0,5"...) He explained that those 0,5 or the like mean that you have done so well that it is beyond the normal scala. In other words, you have broken the scale! And I said: well, that's what my dissertation is going to be too! It's going to be AMAZING, you have no idea how great it's coming along. It is really great. Everything is coming into place and I will still be able to write the most important things down.

Wonder Marce against the Powers of Doom!

two weeks from today

I'm sorry to be always counting backwards. Since I already went through 5-3-1 day to go, this must sound repetitive and two weeks like a very long time. But it's not when it is the very last chance to say what you were trying to say all this time, and still haven't made up your mind on all points. Last chance to show that you were thinking about these questions for years... I don't know, I'm still a bit blocked by that perspective. I was able to ignore the fear by thinking that the version for Pamplona was not the last word, and I could still change things, so "just write". Now there's a kind of vertigo which I try to ignore but it makes me do everything but write... read, correct, organize the printing of the thesis... Then I was talking to another PhD student yesterday and stupidly I got thinking about the note, which is sad because I didn't use to care, really, I just wanted to finish. And now, suddenly, it seems important to get a good note. I think it's just more vertigo.
I guess I'm going to tell myself that it is NOT the last word, that I can change things and do things better before the publication. And it probably IS already good enough, I cannot see it at the moment, but it probably is. I'll just do the five things that I really want to do before turning it in, and everything else is in God's hands. The note, and the impression it makes on the professors, whether they hate it or not, and how that affects my future, and what that future is... all of that is not in my hands, right? So here I let it go... at least I'm trying to.
Please send me some confidence-and-trust-waves...

1 day gone with the wind

Hi.
I'm feeling really bad. After writing you that list of all that I still have to do, I thought I would wake up today in a hurry, but the day is gone and somehow I haven't really done much. I'm feeling very bad about myself.
Also, my bike got stolen, right in front of the university. My beautiful loyal bike! Gone. I am so angry about that!


With the dissertation I am overwhelmed by all that I would like to do at the same time, and I end up doing nothing. I have to go step by step and do the most effective work first. Right? According to the list. Not try to do all at once.
What I wanted to say is please don't stop praying for me because you think I'm finished already. I'm not, really.
Thank you. Just for 17 days.

Not over till it's over: 18 days

Hi my friends. I am still very happy that I was able to make that spanish deadline. But it's not over yet, and that's proving hard to accept. I was very happy and relaxed on Monday after having sent the baby to Pamplona. On Tuesday I made phone calls and wrote emails and organized stuff for the defense in September. Today I went to the university, bought some books from the old library (really good bargains! on books that would otherwise be extremely expensive), talked to my tutor... and wrote a little bit... but it's being very hard to get back on the road. My mind is already planning the trip to Pamplona... and I have to tell myself that these days, these few days until the 30th are the last ones: this is it! whatever I have thought and found and read during these years, and does not get on paper until then, is going to be definitely left out. And there is still a lot that I have to get on paper, especially now that I know where the story ends, and more or less how to get there! So it really is worth it! the last effort.
Anyways, I wanted to tell you the steps that I absolutely need to do before handing it in:
-finish writing Chapter V (two days).
-finish writing Chapter IV (one day).
-put in the corrections that I already marked for Chapter I and II.
-reread Chapter III and put in corrections (both of these one day).
-write the review of bibliography for the introduction, which means reading some articles that I still haven't read (four days - read and write right away)
-WRITE THE CONCLUSIONS* (two days)
-write the rest of Chapter I:
-overview of Schelling's book
-write about the edition of his manuscripts and put in a lot of material that I found in the archives: a manuscript, the letter from his son, the notes from his conferences.
-write about the time when he was writing this book, from his Diaries and Letters.
-ask the guy who reads the diaries for information
-write the information I already have (not new one) about Aristotle in XIXth Germany and the five or six people that Schelling quotes.
-review and actualize introduction (1 day)
-review the whole thing again (3 days)
-put in English corrections (1 day)
-format, print, check for typos again (1 day)
As you can see, it's still quite a bit! This last part, Chapter I, is a pity because I have a lot of material, but it's not strictly necessary, so I will leave it for the end. I will probably only have about two days for that... Oh oh... I checked again and I don't have time at all for this Chapter I!! mmmm I'm going to have to hurry up! it's good to realize that.
After being so close to the first deadline (5 days... 3 days... 1 day...) now 18 days felt like all the time in the world. Now I realize it's not much.

Ok, let's do this.


Please keep sending your support-waves my way, although I reached one deadline, the most important work is still to be done! THANKS ;-)

300

I once looked at this map and could not believe that my feet had walked every single step of the way (747 km). Today I printed out what I am sending to Spain, and I felt exactly the same way. Although in my mind I know that the fifth and the first Chapter are not finished, and that important bits are missing from the fourth one, and I do not even know anymore what the second one says, still I was amazed by the 300 pages that came out. How on earth was I able to type so many little signs?! Every single step of the way.
And then, even if I know I have to finish those parts, or otherwise some of it won't make any sense, the 300 pages are very imposing, and I was just in awe. Very happy, because I think the professors will not dare flunk anyone who was able even to type 300 pages... ha ha ha. Seriously, I am really happy and above all not scared anymore that I won't finish, and that makes me feel much more motivated for the three weeks left now than pressure or fear did. This has all been my work, my steps! And I just need to present it in the best possible light now, make the best flowers more visible, and it seems like the unthinkable is now close at hand...
Thank You God!!!!!!! And Thank You for Your Support!!!

4 days

Tired, slowing down... I wish I weren't! I have a lot of good ideas, but somehow the effect of pressure alone is not enough anymore. Should I drink red bull?

Thank you so much for cheering me on!! I'll just keep going, even if the pace is not the best one.

5 days now

I am trying to keep it simple and go directly to what I find interesting, to the things that I have found out (sometimes I don't realize them myself), to what I have thought about for such a long time. Like Beate said, choose the prettiest flowers for the bouquet. That's a good idea and I'm trying to keep it in mind. Five days to go! A lot still to write but I am pretty sure it can be done. It will be done.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!